“But I’m stuck in colder weather;
Maybe tomorrow will be better.”
— Zac Brown Band
NORTH CENTRAL OHIO — This winter of our discontent — now in its 14th consecutive month — announced Thursday it will extend its stay, despite repeated hints from residents that “this isn’t working out.”
The National Weather Service office in Cleveland predicts up to three inches of snow from overnight Thursday through Friday evening, accompanied by wind chills dipping as low as -17 degrees.
Meteorologists described the system as an Arctic front. North central Ohio residents described it as “personal.”
“It’s light to moderate snow,” one forecaster said, using a phrase that has not accurately reflected driveway conditions at any point in recorded history.
By Friday night, temperatures are expected to fall to around 0 degrees, with patchy blowing snow reducing visibility and optimism in equal measure. Saturday’s high will reach a robust 9 degrees, or as locals call it, “single digits with confidence.”
City officials are advising residents to dress in layers, avoid prolonged exposure and reconsider every life choice that led them to settle in Ohio.
One area man was seen wearing thermal underwear, flannel pajamas, two hoodies and what appeared to be a 1989 Browns playoff sweatshirt“for emotional insulation.”
Saturday night’s low is forecast at -3 degrees, because zero apparently wasn’t condescending enough.
Sunday offers a 40% chance of additional snow and a high near 21 degrees — a temperature warm enough to convince at least three men in Richland County to fire up grills and declare, “Feels like spring.”
By early next week, temperatures may climb into the low-to-mid 30s, triggering what experts call “False Spring Syndrome,” a regional condition in which residents stand in 34-degree sunshine and audibly sigh, “Not bad.”
Relief may arrive Tuesday with mostly sunny skies and a high near 38. Wednesday brings a rain-and-snow mix — winter’s way of reminding everyone it still has access to the thermostat.
Meanwhile, Mansfield residents continue to cope with Midwestern resilience.
“We’ve shoveled so much snow this year my driveway has layers,” one homeowner said. “I’m pretty sure there’s a January under there somewhere.”
Authorities warn that exposed skin can freeze in minutes under sub-zero wind chills, urging people to bundle up and limit time outdoors. Residents say they plan to comply, though several admitted they are “emotionally frozen” until further notice.
For now, the forecast remains unchanged: snow today, snow tomorrow, and snow until winter feels appreciated.
In north central Ohio, hope springs eternal — just not yet.